reflection on relating consciously

There seem to be two camps in the relationships advice playing fields. You get the drama addicted, pop psychology camp who believe in lots of ‘shoulds’.

These usually include the need to choose a partner very very very carefully who should provide money, happiness, security, unlimited time and attention, as well as should evidence specific masculine or feminine behaviours which will compliment you perfectly, throughout your life. Of course there are certain behavioural expectations that you should show in return, otherwise the whole house of cards will come tumbling down.

The other camp are the wandering mystical never-be-tied-downs who quote Krishnamurti, Rumi and Tolle in the most abstract, persistent and perplexing manner possible. They are also impossible to relate to on any meaningful level. If you ever reflect anything back to them, or make a suggestion for improving something in the relationship you will swiftly be reminded that you are simply projecting and that they are a higher spiritual being who is free to act, be and talk anyway that they like! When you want to get into the messy muddiness of actual relatedness you will instead be swept away by prose and philosophy which obscures anything as simple as a request to put the toilet seat down.

This seems more  like a caricature of a battle between Soul and the Spirit than a dance of Lovers, Loving.

I see it like this: as with all things it’s about integrating two truths.

The personal ‘me’. my soul, is affected by lots of stuff- my history, partner’s dynamics and wounds and troubles and issues and good things like personality and preference. The higher or spiritual ‘I’ remains aware and unattached- understands that as a being I am complete within myself.

Most of us have a LOT of soul healing to do in order to relate consciously: we need to examine our psychological legacies from our family of origin. We need to explore our self esteem issues in a safe way. We have unmet needs driving our behaviour stemming from trauma or abuse or poor attachment. We need to build trust with people we can trust. We have to grow our identities as adults- consciously sifting through the beliefs and ideas poured into us by society and schooling. We have to awaken our beautiful feminine self through the body and the emotions that inform our aliveness in this fleshy world.

And we need a spiritual awakening. We need to wriggle out of the tight shell of this “me”- and begin to dissolve those false barriers between our inner aspects, “them” out there and “That” out THERE. We have some spiralling upwards to move towards, a little bit of letting go to accomplish. We have an ego to transcend and an identity to expand. We have a calling to meet the Sky.

When we are doing the inner work of both Soul and Spirit we are healing, truly. Then there isn’t that dark, manipulative neediness which can occur with very wounded or scared or defensive people.  And we have two beings choosing to delight each other because it’s an overflow of a happy inner world- or reach out spontaneously for connection, holding and understanding when the inner skies are cloudy. There really is a sense of freedom to love and be loved.

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yesterday’s haiku

The happy duck is
not the thief of river’s song-
pond is both bird and stream.

The Wisdom of Wounds

I often remind clients that they are indeed the leading character in the mythology of their own lives. That everything that happens to them is most usefully viewed from their own perspective; from within their own unique life view.

Sometimes we have extended ourselves so far towards understanding the others in our lives that we have lost the anchor of being the central focus of our soul work. We end up bending over backwards to try and figure out the unfolding events- when all we need to do is again plant our feet in the center of our own path. By dropping the back-to-front perspective of “she said- he meant- -they-didn’t” we can simply ask ourselves what is happening for me right now? How do I feel? What flavours, textures and subtleties are showing themselves in my experience, from my perspective? What can I describe and notice right now? What do I need?

Giving ourselves permission to actual have our own experience is a useful re-calibration. We can stop explaining and analysing others and get back to living our truth. There is time to consider other viewpoints, to stretch our self perception by looking at ourselves in the mirror of others feedback- but in my experience we spend more time distanced from ourselves in our challenges than refuting feedback honestly given. Start simply, start with where you are at and move slowly and carefully towards what is less clear.

And breath, notice and feel each moment of that process for that is where transformation really happens.

Tell me….

 Tell me, what is it you plan to do

with your one wild and precious life? Mary Oliver

 

End of year reflections

I wanted to look back on the year and try to write a fluid overview of all the change and growth I have experienced; I hoped to look back with the famous 20:20 vision and celebrate a little a nice clear list of learnings.

Shew, but its been a blur, and kind of kaleidoscopic and so I will itemize in no particular order the few things my much-stiller-mind remembers of 2011:

  • Meditation works. Very, very well. For most things, from anxiety to zen.
  • Hurt hurts. And my teacher is right: pain is heart food.
  • Letting go can happen the easy way or the hard way, and the discomfort is proportional to the amount of resistance involved. Note: resistance is futile if the ultimate object is inner peace or growth. Letting go is a process that cannot be rushed.
  • Mirrors are not the enemy they just are.
  • Women gather in circles for a reason.
  • Illusions dissolve, and the world is better for it, though its  tough to say goodbye to them. Good things wait on the other side. Being brave, patient and gently opening is the way through.

A wise man once said: “Breathe, notice and relax.”

And a wise woman:

“I will weep and weep for you, O Mind;
(my Soul) The world hath caught you in its spell.
Though you cling to them with the anchor of steel,
Not even the shadow of the things you love
Will go with you when you are dead.
Why then have you forgot your own true Self ? ”   Lalla

Walking the Path home: Jon Allen ‘Going Home’

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q1DR7EmQ9ig&NR=1

A thank you note to me

I facilitated two group processes this weekend for an NGO, both of which were beautifully on point and moved with that unique soulful spirit flow we practitioners long for and delight in…

This is my thank you from the organisers:

“Dear Cathwrynn, Thank you for your wonderful gentle, grounded but eagle-like contribution to this workshop. I look forward to our work together.”

What generous inspiration in this thank you note!

Gratitude and joy from me…

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