reflection on relating consciously

There seem to be two camps in the relationships advice playing fields. You get the drama addicted, pop psychology camp who believe in lots of ‘shoulds’.

These usually include the need to choose a partner very very very carefully who should provide money, happiness, security, unlimited time and attention, as well as should evidence specific masculine or feminine behaviours which will compliment you perfectly, throughout your life. Of course there are certain behavioural expectations that you should show in return, otherwise the whole house of cards will come tumbling down.

The other camp are the wandering mystical never-be-tied-downs who quote Krishnamurti, Rumi and Tolle in the most abstract, persistent and perplexing manner possible. They are also impossible to relate to on any meaningful level. If you ever reflect anything back to them, or make a suggestion for improving something in the relationship you will swiftly be reminded that you are simply projecting and that they are a higher spiritual being who is free to act, be and talk anyway that they like! When you want to get into the messy muddiness of actual relatedness you will instead be swept away by prose and philosophy which obscures anything as simple as a request to put the toilet seat down.

This seems more  like a caricature of a battle between Soul and the Spirit than a dance of Lovers, Loving.

I see it like this: as with all things it’s about integrating two truths.

The personal ‘me’. my soul, is affected by lots of stuff- my history, partner’s dynamics and wounds and troubles and issues and good things like personality and preference. The higher or spiritual ‘I’ remains aware and unattached- understands that as a being I am complete within myself.

Most of us have a LOT of soul healing to do in order to relate consciously: we need to examine our psychological legacies from our family of origin. We need to explore our self esteem issues in a safe way. We have unmet needs driving our behaviour stemming from trauma or abuse or poor attachment. We need to build trust with people we can trust. We have to grow our identities as adults- consciously sifting through the beliefs and ideas poured into us by society and schooling. We have to awaken our beautiful feminine self through the body and the emotions that inform our aliveness in this fleshy world.

And we need a spiritual awakening. We need to wriggle out of the tight shell of this “me”- and begin to dissolve those false barriers between our inner aspects, “them” out there and “That” out THERE. We have some spiralling upwards to move towards, a little bit of letting go to accomplish. We have an ego to transcend and an identity to expand. We have a calling to meet the Sky.

When we are doing the inner work of both Soul and Spirit we are healing, truly. Then there isn’t that dark, manipulative neediness which can occur with very wounded or scared or defensive people.  And we have two beings choosing to delight each other because it’s an overflow of a happy inner world- or reach out spontaneously for connection, holding and understanding when the inner skies are cloudy. There really is a sense of freedom to love and be loved.

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Tell me….

 Tell me, what is it you plan to do

with your one wild and precious life? Mary Oliver

 

How much Joy do you feel?

Wise words from women…

“Decision making is a self correcting process…”

“You have to get through the bad stuff to get to enjoy the good stuff.”

“Our personal journey is more of a spiral than a linear path- don’t be surprised if you circle around the same themes a couple of times- you cant go backwards, only forwards. If only because you are different the next time round.”

 

Camissa Womens Temple Sweat Lodge

“GrandFather, GrandMother.Creation, Great Mystery. Aho, Spirit.”

This was our prayer and meditation as the core group of Camissa Temple came together to build and then enter a new Sweat Lodge for a women’s sweat,  in Scarborough, Cape Town. One of our temple members, Novukile, had a friend wanting a sweat built on her land, which she will use for sacred ceremony. We were willing labour and lucky enough to be the first to then use it too!

We agreed that physically building something so sacred would be a very fitting beginning process for our temple guardians as we ‘build’ a unique temple space in Camissa Temple for women, together. We are also aware of our own individual needs for healing, rebirthing and reclaiming our connection with Our Mother, Earth. We wanted to share this passage together. We have a deep commitment to authentic relating in this temple, and we felt sure that hard manual labour, a new experience of building together and then the challenge of sweating together would create the perfect pressure cooker experience for triggering and being triggered! Yes, we actually consciously chose that!

Devi, our lodge keeper, created a stellar constellation with all of us. We each had the privilege of holding the position and energy of a planet in its exact position in the lodge as in the night sky above. The moon graced us with her/his beautiful light and the wind laid low for just the perfect amount of time to build and sweat. I knew that it would be a special night, driving through a thick curtain of mist coming in to Scarborough earlier in the evening. I was right.

Personally I enjoyed a deeper, essential connection to Mother as she held me during the intensity of the heat. I battled a headache for most of the day, which was frustrating. Frustrating not to be able to know the mind body link in order to let it go. As a group I feel that we have centered our connection to sacred creation and the great mystery more explicitly within each of us, and as a collective core circle. We have a shared resonance which we can call to when relating gets tricky, or logistics get demanding. We can both source guidance more clearly and now create more meaningfully.

We are blessed and grateful to know and love each other. Makhosi!

Dakini Shakti teaching on Love and Relationship for Seekers

Sedona Temple closed as a brothel in the USA: friends and colleagues arrested

This “we work with sexological bodywork or sexuality but we are not sex workers” thing has come to a head in the USA. This challenge and opportunity that affects all those who work with sexuality. A noted South African sexologist has entombed her practice in academia in order to ensure her position on the farthest side of the sex worker scale. She still sells sex toys at great cost when you come for counselling, but this she has rationalised.

Friends, colleagues and teachers in the USA have been arrested on charges of prostitution and profiteering from prostitution. They have been arrested for doing sex work, when it may be that they have not resolved this issue for themselves. Better to embrace the fact that one is a sex worker, be very careful about your work, and align with organisations mobilising for change in the laws than to pretend to be separate entities entirely.

We hear such mixed views on this topic: “The temples of old housed temple prostitutes therefore sex work is a noble profession” versus “This is not sex work, I am but a spiritual guide.” And of course all shades of grey in between, all levels of proficiency in being able to hold the core of one’s work with integrity. Sounds as complex as it should be- since complexity is the beautiful expression of Life.

Sex is blooming hard to regulate if you are a politician, policeman, lawmaker, religion. Darn, Life is so messy and so grey and indeterminate at times. Life is just so… defiantly prolific! Just as you make up one rule for a particular circumstance another arises…

My first loves (gosh I’m so ‘poly’), are the altered states of meditation that arise in the body and breath and subtle energy flow. Any kind of kink, or even plain old therapeutic massage, if done well can take one there- its about the individual capacity for dropping into experience. I like living in those states, and finding more of them. They are only useful if awareness and consciousness results, otherwise they are just playing. Nothing wrong with playing.

Arnold Mindell calls these altered states living the dreambody: and it can be accessed in many ways. The dreambody is the Soul speaking, shouting for attention. She speaks in many ways: through meditation, being ill or dying, having sex, becoming mentally ill or living through a catastrophic event etc. Guess which ways are more popular for those seeking the Soul?

The truth is that ‘sex’ (and my definition is ‘a state of being which involves sexual energy being raised and felt’- this can happen in a conversation),  need not come into it at all, unless this way has been specifically chosen by an individual’s Soul. That is up to God/Fate/Fortuna and a seeker’s courage. But it might.

Should hundreds of people across America wish to use the Way of Sex for personal growth and pay for teachers, facilitators and guides- or playmates- I think that they should be allowed to. I don’t care if you call it tantra or sex work or sensual massage or sexological bodywork.

Sexual expression and identity is our most fundamental freedom- this is a core issue and now the Soul of America is dreaming itself into being. Consider, even, the police and lawmakers as allies in this struggle. How will we support her?

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