5 ways for women to work with their own orgasmic potential

The following 5 simple practices can change your life because they are about you getting to know you. Developing the capacity for a love affair with yourself will help you in becoming more orgasmic or first-time orgasmic.But to be clear the goal is not orgasm; the goal is pleasure in whatever form it wants to take! 

The practices are not listed in order of priority. They also do not need to be done on a schedule. Rather play with these suggestions as feels good for you. They are not a complete list of practices by any means, nor is each useful for every person. Each example is only a start-up suggestion of applying these 5 practices to your life. Many others exist in each ‘category’- I may start collecting and sharing these on my site but few translate well to reading. Most are best learned with the support of a teacher or other seekers. I have not included any partner or group work because I think women need practices that they can do their own. We become orgasmic or sexually healthy not because of our lovers but through our own inner work. The se practices support a more loving and intimate relationship with your own person (and this includes your body) and that is where all transformation truly lives. Treat this as an experiment in getting to know yourself better, not a new set of tasks to be mastered.


When I met my current partner he quickly noticed that I was very much ‘in my head’ during sex (and not orgasmic with a partner). He gently suggested that learning to quiet my mind with meditation might help. I resisted quite firmly, believing that disconnecting further using a male-centred method of ‘switching off my mind’, was not desirable. Well. I was right and I was wrong. I discovered that many forms of meditation have been life changing for me and I am so grateful for his encouragement. Others are definately not for me.

The type of meditation that I suggest here works well for women. It does not need rigid discipline, steely stillness of the mind or battling with busy thoughts. It simply means being present for 10 minutes in the moment.

Find some time and space that is private for you. Walk around the space however you choose, relaxing into the movement as you go. Consciously set the intention of spending time exploring your own senses and enjoying time with yourself. Keep walking around. While walking (with eyes closed and ample space if you are easily distracted) press your thumbs to each of your other fingers in a regular, rhythmic rotation from first finger to pinkie and back again. You will now be walking and touching your fingers together as you go. After getting the hang of keeping both going, add the next sense. The next is breathing. Notice your breathing, notice your fingers moving, notice your feet touching the earth with each step. Notice all three actions as you walk.  Add the feeling of the air touching your skin and face, also notice your feet walking, notice your breath moving and notice your fingers touching. After a while notice sounds: cars, dogs, your breath, children outside. Keep noticing your feet, your fingers, your breath, your skin. Keep complete attention on each action in turn. Now add the taste of the inside of your mouth. Notice each sense again and also notice the taste. Now add sight as the last one and keep changing your attention through each of them until you feel able to flow through them with ease. Stop. Keep your awareness in your centre, in your body. Notice what has happened in you. Your mind will be still but receptive and present and your body alive and awake.

That’s it! Now go and do what seems like fun to you… nothing more complicated than that! Use it when you need to drop out of an agitated or worried mind and into your body. Use it before you make love, or are anxious to be seeing your partner after a period apart. Use it before self pleasuring or being otherwise creative. Enjoy.

(Thanks to Dez who used this exercised on the training course with us. I call it, after him, The Shamanic Walk)


We women have really been done a disservice, and in turn the men and women who love us. Before mothers where instructing their daughters to “lie back and think of England”, women truly shared their wisdom with each other in sacred spaces set aside specifically for these teachings. Here women were taught how to circulate sexual energy (among many other things!) with simple, effective techniques. One of these is the use of the breath to encourage relaxation, create unity between the heart, mind, body and emotions, and to move sexual energy upwards through the body. This aids arousal; it encourages being in your body and feeling more of who you are. There are as many techniques for breathing as there are cloud formations in the sky but this simple and not-too-out-there one is a good start. It is slow and gentle and can take a few minutes- 10 minutes of this and you will feel heavenly. Do not stand up suddenly when doing this- you may well be dizzy!!!

Breathing through your mouth, notice your breathing. Noticing means becoming aware of what something feels like, feeling where in your body you are experiencing it and allowing whatever is happening for you during the experience. When you are fully immersed in noticing- this will take a few minutes- allow yourself to take fuller (but NOT FASTER) breaths than normal. Feel your in-breath rise up through your base (this is your genitals and perineum), travel up through your body and out of your mouth in a long, slow stream. Repeat this until you really can feel the focus of your breath within your body and not just the lungs. Imagining it happening is the first step to feeling it happening. On the out-breath let any worry, anxiety, holding or tension go with it. If you feel heat and arousal in your base area allow that to travel up through your body with the breath. Your breath becomes the vehicle for the flow to move through you. After making a few cycles of in -and out-breath, begin to increase the experience by now working also with the out-breath a little more. Let your out-breath become a sigh, let sound move with it. Often an ‘aaaaaaahhhh’ sound accompanies the out-breath. Your body may feel softer and more relaxed with the breaths moving in slow, gradual waves through you. Let your body move with you however it wants to; sometimes the pelvis wants to rock or the shoulder and neck want to soften and sway. Enjoy the cycles of long, slow in-breaths moving from your base, up your body and out your mouth and then the long slow exhales of letting go. Keep going for at least 15 minutes to create an energy flow with yourself.

To end this exploration, let your breath return to normal and just feel your body  and its aliveness until you feel complete with the exercise. Any emotion or sound that arises is normal, any spontaneous movements in your body are normal and can be welcomed and appreciated.  You can of course use this with a partner while making love. You can do this by breathing together in rhythm or opposite to one another. You can also use it to focus more on your own body experience by breathing in this way on your own while making love with someone.


Creating opportunity for vigorous, spontaneous, creative movement is central to a woman’s expressiveness. If we keep our bodies from exploring, flowing or playing then it makes sense that sexual freedom and fun will be difficult for us. Shyness, fear of being undignified, contraction of our childlike exuberance are barriers to self knowing and intimacy.

Create a playlist that includes some loud drum-based music, some melodious female singing, some flowing, nostalgic pieces and some still and spacey songs. Aim for at least 40 minutes worth. Use the first few to stir up some juicy wildness in yourself. Stamp your feet, making wide open legs and tribal gestures. If you feel silly just keep going! Let the music take you on a journey to strange movements and mayhem that you have not enjoyed before. Sweat! Lots!

When the music changes to the next phase really let yourself express. Be the ballerina you never where, or imagine a story that you tell with your body. Allow, allow, allow. The body knows things that our minds do not- let it play and express- without trying to figure it out first!!  Let the sweet, sad music deepen your exploration: use circles and flowing movements to express the longings in your soul that have no voice yet. Let the last songs of stillness and quiet calm you and centre you- you may wish to lie down or just stand and sway.

Dancing is a feminine wisdom that yields change; I urge you to use it lavishly when you can. If you have like-minded friends dance together or find any of the meditative dance classes available. See this link for a Cape Town based dance class called BlissDance by Dr. Shakti Malan http://www.facebook.com/#!/group.php?gid=94222169370&ref=ts

Self pleasuring

Ha! I am not going to say what you think I am here. When I say pleasure here I mean ALL pleasure  enjoyed through ALL the senses. Food, hot baths, trees in blossom, soft puppies, arduous mountain hikes, glorious music, hot oil massages, silk scarves, divine art, books that sing, sexy clothes, heart warming friendships that make you belly laugh, perfume, feng shui’d houses, good wine, outdoor festivals, chocolate, sunshine, blazing fires… I could go on forever. Pursue beauty. Especially if you are grieving or in a crisis or life sucks. Apply Beauty to yourself as medicine because that it really it. It is balm and nutrition for the soul.

Decorate yourself. Adorn yourself with oils. Pamper and spoil your body. Beating it into submission in the gym accomplishes some good but it can also turn it into an enemy; your body is not your enemy but a lifelong ally. Seek beauty every day and your eyes will open more and more until you find it is almost impossible to avoid. It damn near breaks down the door sometimes trying to get in!

A technique for seeing more clearly is called the Soft Gaze: it involves switching our habitual stance in the world from defensive seeing to loving sight. Try it in the mirror. Stand up straight and look at yourself in a rejecting, defensive way. Allow those negative, critical thoughts to rise up and fill your eyes. Stare at yourself as if those judgements were absolutely true. Reject yourself with your eyes; actively notice the space between you and your image in the mirror. Now stop. Close your eyes and become calm. Allow those thoughts to drain away through your feet and into the earth. Breathe deeply and as you do bring your attention to your heart- the centre of your chest. If you need to, think of someone who you love deeply or an experience you had in which you felt great awe. Feel where that emotion is experienced in your body- usually the heart area. Allow that feeling to expand through your heart. Revel in how loving you are. Now open your eyes and look at yourself with love and compassion. Think of all those endearingly cute and silly things you do. Remember yourself as a child, as a baby. Look deeply into your own eyes. Look with love and acceptance. Notice how beautiful you are. See the glow that your skin radiates when confronted with a loving gaze. Now drink your own image in- let the sight of yourself fill your heart. Look at yourself with the eyes of a devoted and utterly smitten lover. Smile and be smiled at. Communicate raw love with your eyes. Stop and close your eyes. Breathe a good few times deeply. Feel what has happened in you. Notice yourself.

When you are complete you may open your eyes and move around, letting the intensity go. Emotions are good; realising that you may have a way to go in loving yourself is excellent and valuable knowledge. You can get quicker at switching to this compassionate way of looking. If starting with yourself was particularly challenging then try this meditation again in this way:


I wish you great joy and delight. Let me know what you find- and what finds you…

Expressing Feelings

No two ways about it, I am afraid. Pleasure and pain are good friends and seldom travel alone. When we spend energy blocking “bad” feelings like pain, sadness and anger we shut out joy, love and bliss too. And what’s more, most of us have never actually completed challenging emotional situations from childhood or growing up or hurtful relationships. Sometimes those experiences where so difficult that we disassociated during them- we shut down our feelings and our senses because we were overloaded with trauma at the time. Many women have learned to do this to varying degrees. It kicks in during the most inconvenient moments- like when the person we love is intimately pleasuring us or when we feel a rush of anger during a fight. We push the unwanted feelings away together with any pleasure that could have arisen.

The practice of expressing your feelings can take any form that you like. Typically we want to express in a way that doesn’t harm us, others or objects. The best forms of expression include movement, sound and the actual feelings. Let’s use this one: the temper tantrum. Give yourself permission to be completely irrational and immature just for a few minutes. Make a soft, padded, private space on the floor for yourself. You will need to be able to be noisy too. Lie on your back with knees bend and arms at the side, palms face down. Go within and find a trigger for the feeling of unfairness, disrespect or being overlooked. Bring the experience up and let the memory run through your mind’s eye. Breathe deeply through your mouth to bring up the feelings, making sounds on both the in and out breath. Let the sounds of frustration and anger come up that you have not yet expressed. You may shout and scream about all that was not OK for you and really voice anything you wish you had said! Let your feet kick the floor and your arms bang the floor (not hurting yourself) and let the rage and frustration and injustice take over. Make noise and be as wild as you wish!!! This is your moment to let it all come up. Memories easily shift to similar stored experiences so let your thoughts roam to whoever they wish and to whatever topic they wish. No need to hold back! Scream, cry, shout, vent, kick, roll around and let everything just go. When you are spent of all that energy just lie back and feel. Any emotions are welcome and who knows what may arise? Welcome everything with a curiosity to know yourself more. Allow the energy that has been dispersed to go fully and enjoy the aliveness and calm.

Regularly venting past and present emotions is one of the basic skills for becoming more orgasmic. Being able to source these emotions within yourself gives you the power to use them or share them as you desire. Awareness leads to consciousness which leads to choice and freedom. Without completing those things that have wounded us in the past we lose power in the present to live from the soul.


These practices are simple but how many people do you or I know that do them? They continue to enrich my life; I know that they can in yours. I look forward to hearing comments or answering any questions that you may have about them…


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