There seem to be two camps in the relationships advice playing fields. You get the drama addicted, pop psychology camp who believe in lots of ‘shoulds’.
These usually include the need to choose a partner very very very carefully who should provide money, happiness, security, unlimited time and attention, as well as should evidence specific masculine or feminine behaviours which will compliment you perfectly, throughout your life. Of course there are certain behavioural expectations that you should show in return, otherwise the whole house of cards will come tumbling down.
The other camp are the wandering mystical never-be-tied-downs who quote Krishnamurti, Rumi and Tolle in the most abstract, persistent and perplexing manner possible. They are also impossible to relate to on any meaningful level. If you ever reflect anything back to them, or make a suggestion for improving something in the relationship you will swiftly be reminded that you are simply projecting and that they are a higher spiritual being who is free to act, be and talk anyway that they like! When you want to get into the messy muddiness of actual relatedness you will instead be swept away by prose and philosophy which obscures anything as simple as a request to put the toilet seat down.
This seems more like a caricature of a battle between Soul and the Spirit than a dance of Lovers, Loving.
I see it like this: as with all things it’s about integrating two truths.
The personal ‘me’. my soul, is affected by lots of stuff- my history, partner’s dynamics and wounds and troubles and issues and good things like personality and preference. The higher or spiritual ‘I’ remains aware and unattached- understands that as a being I am complete within myself.
Most of us have a LOT of soul healing to do in order to relate consciously: we need to examine our psychological legacies from our family of origin. We need to explore our self esteem issues in a safe way. We have unmet needs driving our behaviour stemming from trauma or abuse or poor attachment. We need to build trust with people we can trust. We have to grow our identities as adults- consciously sifting through the beliefs and ideas poured into us by society and schooling. We have to awaken our beautiful feminine self through the body and the emotions that inform our aliveness in this fleshy world.
And we need a spiritual awakening. We need to wriggle out of the tight shell of this “me”- and begin to dissolve those false barriers between our inner aspects, “them” out there and “That” out THERE. We have some spiralling upwards to move towards, a little bit of letting go to accomplish. We have an ego to transcend and an identity to expand. We have a calling to meet the Sky.
When we are doing the inner work of both Soul and Spirit we are healing, truly. Then there isn’t that dark, manipulative neediness which can occur with very wounded or scared or defensive people. And we have two beings choosing to delight each other because it’s an overflow of a happy inner world- or reach out spontaneously for connection, holding and understanding when the inner skies are cloudy. There really is a sense of freedom to love and be loved.